My Qualifications and Holding Babies

Yesterday I talked about why I might not be ready to be a father.  Today I am going to make a case for why I AM ready to be a father.  Most people like to question themselves on why they might not be ready, especially when you are as close as my wife is to dropping a baby.  I say NAY!  Look, having a kid is going to be hard work and something that I have never done before, but it doesn't mean I won't be ready for what comes at me.

First of all, I have totally changed a diaper.  Back when my super awesome nephew, Ethan, was staying with us overnight, the wife gave me the task to change the simplest of diapers: The Pee Diaper.  I had no problem with this, as pee is totally not gross.  Unfortunately I hit a little snag in my effort to change said diaper.  Babies, particularly boys, when a diaper is taken off of them the cold air hits there little wee wees.  And when cold air hits little wee wees, they have a tendency to want to be warm again.  The second the diaper came off, that defense mechanism kicked in and he proceeded to pee all over me.  I have changed one diaper in my life, never before, and never since, and naturally the one time that I do I get the lemonade surprise.

Don't turn your back Uncle Mitch, I will totally pee on you!

Second of all, I totally took a home economics course in middle school for six weeks.  In that class we got to do things like sew (I made a cookie pillow!), cook (I made a cookie!) and took home a simulation baby doll to take care of (I didn't name her Cookie, that would be weird).  The baby doll would simulate what a real baby's tendencies were.  When the doll was hungry, it cried, and we would have to "feed" the baby.  It would wake you up at odd hours of the night, it would wake up and cry at school in the middle of classes.  It was quite the learning experience, even if I didn't take it too seriously.  The only weird part about the project was that when you fed the baby, instead of feeding the baby a bottle, you have to stick a key into the back of the baby and twist it until the baby was done "feeding".  It certainly made for awkward looks at restaurants and stores.

So as you can see, I am 100% qualified to be a dad.  I should have no problem being able to handle the daily grind of being a new dad.  That is until the first time I am with Zoey alone and calling my wife, mom or sister every five minutes wondering what to do.

As an aside to this.  Something came up over the weekend related to babies that I wanted to mention.  A couple of good friends of ours just had a baby on Christmas Day.  We saw them over the weekend and it was the baby's big coming out party to the rest of us.  Naturally my wife ended up holding the baby the most out of everyone.  She has the baby fever so it makes sense.  At one point my wife and the baby's mother asked if I wanted to hold the baby.  I immediately said NO WAY!  It has nothing to do with the baby or anything offensive like that.  My problem, and a problem that most non dads have is that we have no problem with the idea of holding a baby.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  The problem we have is that we feel we WILL NOT be that person that drops their baby.  There is no way I will be that guy.  I know full well that I probably WON'T drop the baby.  But what if I was?  If I drop MY baby, sure I am a piece of crap, but it's MY baby.  So all these moms that get turned down by non dads take note, it's not you, its them!

Quote of the Day:

Me (to a friend that just became a dad): "How do you balance a baby and playing XBOX?"

Friend: You don't!

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Am I Mature Enough To Have A Baby?

Tomorrow marks 37 weeks, or "TERM" as baby books will tell you.  So from here on out, we are a full go at any time.  At any point the wife can call me and let me know that we are a go.  That is when I will jump out of my chair, rip off my clothes and don my "Super Dad" costume and fly to my wife's rescue.  Of course we all know that is total BULLSH and I will probably be in the fetal position freaking the hell damn out.

This brings me to the topic at hand: Am I mature enough to handle having a baby?  People that know me know that I love immature humor.  Not many things in this world better than a good fart joke.  I love making light of situations and having the most fun possible.  I am a laid back dude that is just trying to enjoy the ride of life.  But in the last year, there have been moments of "parenting" where I have failed very hard in the maturity realm.  Let's look at three examples:

Let me first give you a little background info.  When I married my wife, I also inherited an eight year-old step-daughter.  She is a great kid and I love her to death.  She drives me up the wall like any eight year-old does, but it is a wild but great ride.  One day she got in trouble at school, and as most parents do with their children, you talk to them about what they did wrong and how to fix it.  I received those talks as a child:

Mom: "Now Mitch, you can't always react to the teacher getting on you by wetting your pants."
Me:    "Sorry Mom."
Mom: "You are in High School now...."

That is the smile of a kid that loves peeing his pants! Me: Age 5

So we called her out to the living room to talk to her, and she comes in and sits on the floor.  In our house, we have wood floors (and by wood, I mean FAKE wood) and we begin to talk to her about the problem.  Half way through the talk, my wife asked her if she understood.  So of course the kid went with the proper reaction, which was to let out a staggering fart that was only more magnified by the fact she was sitting on the wood floor.  My wife, being a mature adult mother figure, not only did not laugh, but moved on like it was nothing.  Me?  I had to get up and lock myself in the bathroom on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE because I was laughing uncontrollably.  It was the greatest thing that I ever saw.  If I could have, I would have given the kid an award for the greatest tension breaker of all time.

Another time the kid got in trouble because she was doing cartwheels on the playground and her skirt kept flying up.  No big deal right?  Happens all the time.  I can't tell you how many times my skirt flew up on the playground when I was in 2nd grade.  So the wife and I go talk to her and just remind her that she needs to be mindful of that.  My wife begins to give her an example of a reason why this is not a good idea.

Wife: "What if Mitch was at work, and he took his pants off and started walking around with no pants?  How would his co-workers feel about that?"

Now let me say, this is not a bad comparison at all.  A good comparison to real life indeed.  My problem is that when she said this, I immediate started imagining myself at work dropping my pants and skipping around the office.  A funny visual indeed, and it made me laugh out uncontrollably.  So once again, back to the other side of the house to let the laughter come out.

Last example was a couple of weeks ago.  The wife and I were at Target buying some stuff.  It was a crappy day, cold and rainy.   We are leaving Target and heading to the car and I enter the driver's side.  My wife opens the passenger side to get in.  Now a few things here.  We own a mini-van and as with all big vehicles it is a high step up to the inside.  My wife is a short woman, and is of course EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT!  So she has a tough time as is.  Let's add in that the baby was hitting some nerve that was causing her leg to be numb, making it difficult to walk on.  And then add an immature crappy husband and you get a moment that will live in marriage infamy.  My wife struggles to get into the vehicle, at one point doing that move that all toddlers do, which is the "Toddler get up on the couch move".  You know the one where a child will lift themselves up, and then do the roll over to get up on the couch?  That is what my wife did.  So I did what any good husband would do, which was not only not help her, but to also laugh so uncontrollably that I put my head down on the steering wheel.  Tell you what, I am glad that my wife is pretty cool, because that would have been grounds for murder in most cases.


My point is that even at 29 I still have horrible immature tendencies.  And with three weeks to go I am wondering if this is okay and even a good thing.  I don't feel that I am not ready for the duty (hehe, duty!) of being a father and being responsible.  I just wonder if I will be able to handle moments like above with any type of maturity.  I have no doubt that the kid will be loved and that I will want to play all day with her.  But when she drops ass the first time at a family function, will I be able to handle it, or will I be sliding in for a high five?  I think we all know the answer to that question...

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