I Have Totally Lost My Man Card...And I Don't Care!

One thing has become incredibly apparent as the wife's pregnancy has gone on, and that would be my excitement for this event increases exponentially by the day.  I obviously do not yet have the bond that my wife has with our child that comes with carrying it for 9+ months, but my anticipation in creating my own bond is sky high.  Most of you know that we are having a girl.  When we first found that out all those month ago, I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed that we were not having a boy.  Most men feel this way I am sure.  We all want a boy that we can groom into a mini version of us.  Every man that wants kids wants a boy they can play catch with, teach to shave and teach that women are the spawn of hell.  Now that last one is technically not true, but you get the idea.  Also, most bachelors and even kid-less married dudes don't care about "cute" things, and "pretty tutus and dresses".  Really anything girly is not what men wonder about in day to day life.

I AM A MAN, AND I WILL ROCK YOUR FACE OFF!

But Fellas, it is with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you that, not only have I turned in my "Man Card", but that I don't care and fully behind having a girl!

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME!!!

It is an unfortunate transformation that I had no control over and there is no going back.  There are many examples that have happened over the last few months that I now reluctantly share with you, the sweet dirty reader:

1.  I have a dresser that was a manly blue color.  I took that dresser, and not only painted it, but also PICKED THE COLORS FOR THE DRESSER.  I also got mad when the wife told me that I had to wait for her to go to Home Depot.

IT'S SO CUTE!

2. After finishing said dresser, I immediately wanted to work on new projects to use more of the pink and purple paint.

3. I essentially took over the planning of the room layout.  This included all of the girly things I had already painted.  My wife, who is clearly in the nesting phase (go read a real parenting book if you want to know what nesting is), was mad that she has nothing left to do in the room.

4. My wife has to yell at me to STOP buying girl clothing.  We were incredibly lucky in that we received more hand me down clothing that anyone could ever hope to deal with, and yet I CANNOT STOP BUYING CUTE ONESIES!

5. I picked the outfit that the little one will come home with.  I bought it from the store BY MYSELF.  Guys, I don't think you understand how much that is the mom's decision!

6. I BOUGHT A ZOO!

7. Pink Whale Tub...Nuff Said.

Again, Nuff Said

Quote of the Day:

Me (to wife): "You know how the baby can hear the outside world? Can she hear this?" *farts angrily*

Wife: *shakes head, walks away*

Days to due date: 19

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Am I Mature Enough To Have A Baby?

Tomorrow marks 37 weeks, or "TERM" as baby books will tell you.  So from here on out, we are a full go at any time.  At any point the wife can call me and let me know that we are a go.  That is when I will jump out of my chair, rip off my clothes and don my "Super Dad" costume and fly to my wife's rescue.  Of course we all know that is total BULLSH and I will probably be in the fetal position freaking the hell damn out.

This brings me to the topic at hand: Am I mature enough to handle having a baby?  People that know me know that I love immature humor.  Not many things in this world better than a good fart joke.  I love making light of situations and having the most fun possible.  I am a laid back dude that is just trying to enjoy the ride of life.  But in the last year, there have been moments of "parenting" where I have failed very hard in the maturity realm.  Let's look at three examples:

Let me first give you a little background info.  When I married my wife, I also inherited an eight year-old step-daughter.  She is a great kid and I love her to death.  She drives me up the wall like any eight year-old does, but it is a wild but great ride.  One day she got in trouble at school, and as most parents do with their children, you talk to them about what they did wrong and how to fix it.  I received those talks as a child:

Mom: "Now Mitch, you can't always react to the teacher getting on you by wetting your pants."
Me:    "Sorry Mom."
Mom: "You are in High School now...."

That is the smile of a kid that loves peeing his pants! Me: Age 5

So we called her out to the living room to talk to her, and she comes in and sits on the floor.  In our house, we have wood floors (and by wood, I mean FAKE wood) and we begin to talk to her about the problem.  Half way through the talk, my wife asked her if she understood.  So of course the kid went with the proper reaction, which was to let out a staggering fart that was only more magnified by the fact she was sitting on the wood floor.  My wife, being a mature adult mother figure, not only did not laugh, but moved on like it was nothing.  Me?  I had to get up and lock myself in the bathroom on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE because I was laughing uncontrollably.  It was the greatest thing that I ever saw.  If I could have, I would have given the kid an award for the greatest tension breaker of all time.

Another time the kid got in trouble because she was doing cartwheels on the playground and her skirt kept flying up.  No big deal right?  Happens all the time.  I can't tell you how many times my skirt flew up on the playground when I was in 2nd grade.  So the wife and I go talk to her and just remind her that she needs to be mindful of that.  My wife begins to give her an example of a reason why this is not a good idea.

Wife: "What if Mitch was at work, and he took his pants off and started walking around with no pants?  How would his co-workers feel about that?"

Now let me say, this is not a bad comparison at all.  A good comparison to real life indeed.  My problem is that when she said this, I immediate started imagining myself at work dropping my pants and skipping around the office.  A funny visual indeed, and it made me laugh out uncontrollably.  So once again, back to the other side of the house to let the laughter come out.

Last example was a couple of weeks ago.  The wife and I were at Target buying some stuff.  It was a crappy day, cold and rainy.   We are leaving Target and heading to the car and I enter the driver's side.  My wife opens the passenger side to get in.  Now a few things here.  We own a mini-van and as with all big vehicles it is a high step up to the inside.  My wife is a short woman, and is of course EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT!  So she has a tough time as is.  Let's add in that the baby was hitting some nerve that was causing her leg to be numb, making it difficult to walk on.  And then add an immature crappy husband and you get a moment that will live in marriage infamy.  My wife struggles to get into the vehicle, at one point doing that move that all toddlers do, which is the "Toddler get up on the couch move".  You know the one where a child will lift themselves up, and then do the roll over to get up on the couch?  That is what my wife did.  So I did what any good husband would do, which was not only not help her, but to also laugh so uncontrollably that I put my head down on the steering wheel.  Tell you what, I am glad that my wife is pretty cool, because that would have been grounds for murder in most cases.


My point is that even at 29 I still have horrible immature tendencies.  And with three weeks to go I am wondering if this is okay and even a good thing.  I don't feel that I am not ready for the duty (hehe, duty!) of being a father and being responsible.  I just wonder if I will be able to handle moments like above with any type of maturity.  I have no doubt that the kid will be loved and that I will want to play all day with her.  But when she drops ass the first time at a family function, will I be able to handle it, or will I be sliding in for a high five?  I think we all know the answer to that question...

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